The Doctor Plus Coffee Equals Chaos
by Time Lady 802379
Summary: Rose has always wondered why the Doctor never drank coffee. But when she tries to find out, she gets more then she bargined for. Then throw in a few Daleks invading Torchwood, and you get a story. Now completed! Enjoy and Review
1. We're out of Tea!

**Right then. This idea just popped into my head and wouln't go away. So now you're stuck with it. Enjoy ;)**

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"Rose!! Quick, come quickly!!!" The Doctor yelled from the depths of the TARDIS. Rose ran towards the sound of his voice. She reached the kitchen and found him on his knees, on the floor, surrounded by the contents of all the cupboards. He was shaking uncontrollably. Rose crouched down beside him.

"Doctor, what's wrong?" she asked him worriedly, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Rose, it.....it's ....... terrible, absolutely terrible! We..... We've... RUN OUT OF TEA! "He finished abruptly, hands on his head, as if he were in pain.

"_Is that it? He called me in here for that, when I was perfectly happy doing nothing, to tell me that we need to go shopping" _Rose thought, bitterly, standing up. "Well, that's not so bad. Come on, sit up" She said gently, helping him to stand, "I'll make us a cup of coffee, yeah?" She got out two mugs and set about making it as strong as she could. She had never understood why he refused coffee point-blank. She turned around a few minutes later, with the mugs filled to the brim with swirling brown liquid. The Doctor was staring at her, fearfully.

"No. Not coffee. I can't "He whispered, eyes fixed on the two mugs in her hands, as if they were bombs.

"Come on, it won't kill ya! Just a little cup of caffeine, then we'll go and get some tea, yeah?" she stepped closer, shortening the distance between them, and the Doctor almost flung himself to the other end of the room, the he realised that Rose was between him and the door. He backed into the corner, trying to get as far away as possible from the liquid. "Come on! It's getting cold!" She pleaded to him, stepping right in front of him, and lifting the mug up to his nose, which he flatly refused to sniff at.

"NO! I WON'T! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DRINK THAT STUFF! IF YOU DO THEN YOU'LL REGRET IT ROSE TYLER!" He yelled at her. She was surprised at him. He sounded as though he was talking to someone who was torturing him.

"COME ON YA BIG WHIMP!" She yelled back, forcing the mug into his face and emptying the contents into his mouth and down his throat.

That's when things started to go wrong. Very, VERY wrong...............................

* * *

The Doctor had gone mad. He was running around like the lunatic that Rose knew she had unleashed when she forced the coffee down his throat. As soon as he had swallowed, he collapsed to the floor and onto his knees, groaning. Rose fell down to see what was wrong. He had been shaking enough to turn his body into a drill and burrow his way down to another level of the TARDIS that Rose knew existed somewhere, even if she hadn't found it yet. He raised his head to look at her, and she almost fell back in shock. His eyes were so dilated so much, that there was only the smallest amount of his brown irises left. It was a spooky sight!

"Coffee!!!" H e whispered "Coffee bad! Bad coffee, bad coffee, bad coffee, bad coffee, bad coffee, badcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeebadcoffeegoodcoffeegoodcoffeegoodcoffeegoodcoffeeGOODCOFFEEGOODCOFFEEGOODCOFFEEGOODCOFFEEGOOD!!!"

He was screaming now, yelling at the top of his lungs, his hands clutching desperately at his head, his eyes squeezed shut as the coffee began to take effect.

"COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!!!" He jumped up and ran from the room, still screaming the same word over and over again. Rose looked on in horror.

"_What have I done?!" _She thought, watching him leave the kitchen and run head-first into the wall opposite, then jump up like it was nothing and continue to spin down the corridor, towards the console room, completely out of control.

* * *

That was three days ago. Rose didn't think that he'd slept since. He hadn't stopped moving yet either. She had tried to get the TARDIS to help her contain him until the coffee wore off. But the ship seemed really annoyed with her for giving him the drink in the first place, and would only help when the Doctor threatened, unintentionally, to cause serious damage to her circuits and almost getting himself electrocuted, like he was now. Rose watched on as he somehow managed to climb up the Time Rotor and shimmy himself all the way to the top.

"Come on Doctor, come down!!! Please!!" She yelled at him.

"HeyaRoseyoushouldcomeuphereitsreallyfunlookwhatIcandoweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" He yelled back, now swinging upside down by wrapping his legs round a stray cable and swinging like a monkey would in a tree.

The TARDIS had had enough. She waited until he was partway through a swing, and then suddenly tilted the room 90o. Rose fell against the console but the Doctor wasn't so lucky. He lost his grip on the cable and fell past the captain's chair, (which was now only a few feet from the ground, and looked like it was still attached to the wall) and disappeared. The room returned to the right angle and Rose ran to where the Doctor had fallen.

"Doctor!" She gasped, leaning over the chair and staring at the floor. The Doctor wasn't there. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and spun around. The Doctor's eyes were still so dilated; it made him look like a demented rabbit caught in the headlights. He had a large cut on his forehead, and blood was starting to trickle down his face, but it looked like he didn't even know it was there.

"WhatwasthatIthinkthatmyshipwastryingtokillmebutI'mtoogoodforheraren'tIRosethoughIdon'tknowhwyshewouldtrytokillmeallIwasdoingwascheckingthateverythingwasworkingohsheisastrangeshipc'm'ere!!!" He grabbed her around the waist and somehow managed to make her lie flat in the air, facing the ceiling with her legs fastened around his neck. The he started spinning round and round ant maybe 400 miles an hour. Rose had no choice but to hold tight to his hands as he kept on spinning, otherwise, she knew she would fly across the room. He started to slow down and stopped yelling "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" at the top of his voice, only to say very quietly: "Oh, that'll be the coffee worn off then!"

Rose only realised what it meant a few seconds later, and it was almost too late. He suddenly stopped spinning and started to fall forwards. Rose put her hands behind her to cushion her fall, but the Doctor didn't have that luxury, he had gone completely limp. Rose landed on her bum and only had enough time to pull her legs out from around the Doctor's neck to avoid breaking them. The Doctor's face hit the floor with a nasty sounding crash. Rose scrambled to him and turned him over, putting his head into her lap and stroking his hair. His eyes fluttered open, bleary and unfocused, but thankfully, they were back to normal.

"Welcome back!" She whispered. He stared at her.

"Rose Tyler, sometimes you just don't know when to not get involved. Don't ever do that again!" He gasped, breathlessly. Rose bowed her head, reaching for a kiss. The TARDIS monitor chose that moment to start ringing. The Doctor sighed, and sat up. He stood and walked over to the console, pressing a few buttons as he went. The monitor lit up and a man's face appeared. He was tall and had short black hair and side-burns. He was wearing a smart suit, a pink shirt and a dark blue tie.

"Whaddya want?" The Doctor growled, angry that the idiot had chosen that specific time to ruin their moment.

"Are you the Doctor?" The man asked breathlessly. His strong Welsh accent obvious.

This question struck the Doctor as a little odd. Normally those people who try to make contact with the TARDIS know who she belonged to.

"Who want to know?"

"My name is Jones, sir, Ianto Jones. I need your help!"

"What's wrong?" The Doctor asked, bending a little closer to the screen.

"It's the Daleks, sir. They've taken Jack! They're torturing him now. You have to come! They're asking for you! You have to come now sir!" The screen was fading, the sound becoming harder to decipher "Please sir, you have to come, they're killing him! Plea- " The screen faded entirely, giving way to static.

"Rose" The Doctor whispered, turning to face her "Let's go and save the captain!" He yelled, and slammed down a switch.

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**Review please. I want to have 5 before I update. I'm soo mean!!**


	2. Happy Harry

**OK, so I lied, it looks like it's going to be about about three chapters long. Sorry for the delay, but I was very limited on computer time. I was/am making this up as I go along, so it may end up a little random-ish. **

**I do not own Doctor Who or Torchwood-I do own a Dalek money bank.**

* * *

"So come on then!" Rose said, as she struggled to keep upright, as the TARDIS flew through the Vortex, "Why'd you turn into a three year old whose had to many E-Numbers when you have coffee?" She finished. The TARDIS shook again and she almost fell to the floor, but the Doctor somehow managed to catch her. He sat her on the chair and continued to jog around the console, jabbing buttons and pulling levers and switches as he went.

"You really need to ask? The mixture of rasongsuphicide and haemochloricflansincoride exceeds the normal levels and causes sever abnormalities in persons personality and behaviour."

"You what?" Rose moaned. She hated it when the Doctor talked techno-talk.

"Me." He pointed to himself "I normally have a little more energy then humans. Coffee gives me more energy. Too much energy and self control goes boom boom bye bye" He pretended to blow up and fell down on his back.

The TARDIS materialised in the Torchwood Hub, sending paper and objects flying as it forced itself into existence. Rose poked her head round the door. The Hub looked like a mini bomb had been detonated inside of it. The walls were blackened where Rose knew the Daleks must have fired and missed. She stepped out, trying not to step on piles of paper and smashed glass. She heard a screeching sound and ducked as a huge pterodactyl swooped down from the ceiling and almost carried her off.

"Myfanwy! Cut that out! They're friends!" Ianto Jones suddenly appeared from behind the smouldering remains of a computer. Myfanwy swooped off screeching in annoyance. Rose stood again, staring in awe after the creature. Gwen Cooper appeared behind Ianto, her quivering hands still clutching at the gun. The Doctor eyed it accusingly and tossed it across the room where it made a loud clatter before Gwen could even register that it had been taken.

"So come on then, where are the Mighty Pepper Pots of Destruction, Doom and DEATH!!!!!" The Doctor emphasised his voice, speaking so low that Rose almost laughed. Almost.

"They're waiting for us. There's an old warehouse over the other side of Cardiff. They told is to take you there when you arrived. We have to go now; we don't know what they're doing to him!" Ianto pleaded, his eyes watering.

"OK, OK! We'll go now, or rather, I will. No-one else, just me. I'll get Jack, send the pepper pots packing and come back, all before tea, OK? Well, strictly speaking it may not be before tea, but what are TARDIS's for?" He said loudly, his voice echoing off the blackened walls.

"No" Gwen said, shakily "They said we all had to come, Thay said that they needed all of us."

"When you say Thay, do you mean Thay or they" Rose piped up, hoping.

"T.H.A.Y. The Cult of Skaro." Ianto sighed.

* * *

The three Humans and a Time Lord stood outside the warehouse, preparing for what they would find inside. Rose looked up at the foreboding building, thinking about how the mightiest of the Doctor's enemies had chosen this grimy place for a showdown. The Doctor was already walking forward, Sonic Screwdriver in hand, and what appeared to be a hamster in the other. He set it on the ground.

"Go on Harry, help Daddy out again" He cooed, pointing up at the security camera that was coming their way. Harry squeaked and shot towards the wall. He clung to a wire and scaled it in a matter of seconds, and sat on the platform behind the camera. He looked from the wires, to the socket where it was plugged into the wall. Wire to socket, wire to socket, then he shot over to the socket. He stood up on his hind legs and grabbed the end of the wire in his tiny paws. He pulled and the wire came away from the socket, with a small shower of sparks. Rose, Ianto and Gwen stared in awe as Harry came back to the Doctor's feet and jumped up and down in excitement. They saw that it was actually pointing at the camera and was squeaking as if to say:

"_Look Dad, it's stopped, it can't see you now! Now where's my money?"_

The Doctor stooped and picked Harry up, letting the tiny creature jump on his palm.

"Cheeky!" He laughed, popping a few pieces of apple into his pocket, depositing the hamster in after.

"You keep a hamster in your pocket?" Ianto asked incredulously, beating Rose by a second.

"He has his own little compartment, and he's not JUST a hamster. He's from the planet Squeakfil, and I offered him his own coat, but he only wanted a little pocked. He's so modest, is little Harry." The Doctor protested.

They walked forward, past the dead camera and pushed open the huge steel doors. They groaned and grated as they were opened, making the party wince. They walked onwards, through corridors and down stairs, their footsteps echoing off the walls. They entered a large room, and Rose knew that this was where they were meant to be. It was the smell that gave it away, the smell of fresh blood, strong enough to make her have to fight the urge to wretch. The lights flared and suddenly, they were surrounded by killer pepper pots, their eyestalks glowing blue.

"The Doctor has come! He is here, at his end, at his doom!" Said the black Dalek. "Dalek Thay, Dalek Jast, Dalek Caan, secure the prisoners" He boomed. The three Daleks moved to surround the party, while Sec rolled backwards and looped a chain around his gun by moving it around in circles until it got caught. He moved forwards again and pulled Jack along with him, he was bruised and bloodied, but walking on his own and smiling, positively giggling at the sight of the rescue team.

"You lot took your time, I've been killed 22 times already. What took ya?" He beamed.

"Harry wasn't as quick as usual, played dumb for the others. He likes people to think he's cute." The Doctor said simply, as if it were obvious.

Jack looked towards Rose. _"Harry?" _He mouthed.

"_I'll explain later!" _She mouthed back.

"You will come with us, Ianto Jones, or the man you love dies................. Again!" Sec added as an afterthought, completely ruining the effect of the speech, and sounding a little confused as to why he had to say that.

"NO!" Ianto gasped, and Gwen held onto his arm.

"Take me instead, leave him alone." The Doctor stood in front on Ianto, between him and the Daleks.

"You are not needed right now Time Lord, stand aside" Sec ordered, and rolled towards him, menacingly. The Doctor didn't move. "So be it!" Sec aimed his gun at the Doctor and fired. The Doctor's body lit up and he screamed in agony, before dropping to the floor. Rose was at his side in an instant, snatching the Sonic Screwdriver up fro the floor, before the Daleks could spot it. Jack swore loudly and tried to run to the Time Lord, but was stopped when he was shot down too; causing Ianto and Gwen to start screaming blue murder.

"Oh God, Doctor! No, please!" She whispered, rolling him over onto his back, clutching at his hand. She felt his chest, both hearts were beating. What? "What did you do to him?" She yelled at Sec.

"The Cult of Skaro has obtained a new setting for our weapons. This setting does not kill the target, yet renders it unconscious. Now, Ianto Jones, you will come." Sec demanded, rolling away slightly, indicating for Ianto to follow. He looked to Jack, slumped against the wall, and then at the Doctor, lying on the cold floor, Rose stroking his hair, then at Gwen, staring at him, pleading with him.

"OK, what do I do?" He sighed, walking towards the pepper pots, for the good of his friends.

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**Thanks for reading so far. Sorry if Gwen was a little out of character, I just don't know how to write her, sorry again. And sorry for the wait. I will try to update quicker this time.**

**Reviews make me happy. I need 13 before I update this time. Please don't kill me (**_Runs off and hides, then remembers she left her e-mail unchecked, creeps back and giggles at her own insanity!_**_) _Reviewers get bananas!**


	3. Blaaaaawungumniiiloooopokipski!

**I know, I know, this was supposed to be up ages ago. But I've been really busy with the next stories, and I've been very limited on computer time. How do these titles sound: Drumming the Spirit out of the Storm, Water, Wolf and Seperation, Identity Theft, Zodiac and either Power Mad or Control Freak? Whaddya think?**

**Anyway, on with the whoness and killer pepperpots!**

* * *

Ianto was scared. He'd just been forced to lockup all of the people who would've otherwise been able to help him out of this surprising situation. The Cult of Skaro had made sure that he tied them up properly, and then they had taken him away and brought him to, what could only be described as a make-shift kitchen. The Daleks barked orders at him and he had no choice but to obey, but it didn't take him long to work out what they were making him do. Only, it had another ingredient, but the Daleks had refused to tell him what it was. After following the instructions issued, Ianto was left with a vial of hot brown liquid, though having said that, the vial was almost twice as big as Ianto's hand, and it was burning his skin. He hoped the others had come up with a plan by now, or else he didn't know how they were going to get out of this one.

* * *

Rose sat on her heels, the Doctor's head in her lap. She was rocking him backwards and forwards, stroking his hair and muttering words of comfort. Gwen was sitting on cross-legged next to Jack, who for once was not dead, but apparently unconscious, according to Gwen, and as Rose had no idea what she was on about, she had smiled and nodded and then returned her attention to the Doctor. Like Jack, he didn't look like he was physically hurt, but he hadn't woken up yet. Jack chose that moment to moan and force his eyes open, grumbling about the state of the pretty flowers and the cat's map reading skills. He sat up; looking around for the company he hoped was there. He saw Gwen beside him looking worried, and gave her a big smile.

"You do realise you've got the bed-side manner of a goldfish, don't you Gwen? " He laughed when she slapped him on the shoulder. He got up and quickly came over to Rose and the Doctor. He knelt next to them. "You OK?" He whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah. I think he's OK; he just hasn't woken up yet. But if you have, then maybe it shouldn't be too long." She looked down at the Doctor, brushing a stray strand of hair out of his eyes, before looking up to Jack again "What do they want him for, and what's Ianto got to do with all this?"

"Ianto's a big boy, he can take care of himself, but I have no idea what they're making him do. And as for the Doctor, it's probably just the normal, kill him, use him, take over the universe, that kind of thing, though not necessarily in that order. Um.... That wasn't what you wanted to hear, was it?"

"Not really!" She jumped as the Doctor moaned and shifted a bit "I think he's waking up!"

"I wonder what the first thing he's gonna say will be?" Jack thought out loud.

"Probably something along the lines of: Ow, my head! Or something like that!" Gwen piped up

"If he says that then I owe you two a tenner, right?" Rose held out her hand

"Right" they said, shaking with Rose.

"Doctor, wakey wakey, breakfast's ready!" Rose whispered in his ear.

"Who.......Who gave Jackie that sledgehammer!?" He groaned, massaging his head where it had collided with the concrete floor and starting top sit up.

"Damn!" Jack yelled, standing up and stamping his feet. "Doc! Why couldn't you come up with something more traditional?"

"What? You mean boring?" He mumbled, not even bothering to look up at the immortal.

"Yes"

"You know me Jack, I don't do boring!" He said loudly, sitting up and looking around. He looked amused at the sight of Gwen snatching a tenner from Jack's pocket, adding one of her own, and slipping them into Rose's palm.

"Got a plan yet?" Rose asked him as he got to his feet. He raised his eyebrow at her.

"You honestly think I could come up with some amazing, brilliant, blow your mind, spectacular, incredible, phenomenal, kick-ass plan in under 20 seconds?" He asked the group, incredulous.

"Yes" Rose replied, simply, looking towards Jack and Gwen, who were both nodding.

"Oh. Then you're lucky I always feel inclined to live up to other's expectations. "He started patting his pockets lightly. "Sonic?" He looked at Rose, who handed the tool to him. He bent down, the Sonic Screwdriver in one hand, and Harry in the other.

"This is Harry then?" Jack knelt down next to the fluffy creature "Honoured to meet you, and may I just say, you are quite possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen, second only to Ianto"

"STOP FLIRTING WITH MY HAMSTER HARKNESS!! THAT WOULD BE ONE OF THE WORST THINGS YOU COULD DO RIGHT NOW!" The Doctor yelled, taking them all by surprise and making Jack fall over backwards. Rose laughed at how he had suddenly taken on the personality of an over-protective mother hen, and the imagery in her head made her laugh out loud

"I was just saying hello!" He retorted indignantly.

"So you are bi then? I thought so?" Rose asked.

"Rose, this is Jack we're talking about. He's not bi!" The Doctor answered, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.

"Thank you!" Jack almost shouted at the Time Lord, fighting the urge to run and engulf him in a hug.

"If he's anything, he's omni!" The Doctor laughed, reaching down to give the Sonic Screwdriver to Harry. "OK, Harry. You go and hide in the corner, and when we've gone, you go and disable the cameras and everything. Then you stay out of sight, OK?" He asked the hamster, who squeaked in reply. He scampered off to hide in the shadows, and had only just got there when the doors opened and Dalek Jast rolled in.

"You will all come!" He demanded. Rose moved in front of the Doctor, between him and the pepper pot on wheels.

"Why? What do you want with the Doctor?" She asked, defiantly, resisting as the Doctor tried to gently push her away.

"You will all come!" Jast repeated, rolling backwards slightly, beckoning for them to follow.

"Come on Rose" The Doctor said into her ear, before lowering his voice to a whisper "We need to give Harry a chance!" He told her, just loud enough for her to hear. She nodded, and the two of them glanced over at Gwen and Jack, before walking out the door after Jast, hand in hand, together.

* * *

They were led to the large room again, this time with every light in the room being concentrated on a spot in the centre of the Dalek's field of vision. Jast pushed them from behind, and they were forced into that spot, the lights blinding them and making it almost unbearably hot. Thay moved aside, and Ianto shuffled through the gap, holding something in his hand. He paused as he saw the group, and then walked slowly over to the Doctor, trying not to meet his eyes. He pushed the vial into the Doctor's palm, and only then did he raise his head to look straight in the Time Lord's eyes.

"I'm sorry" He said, tears building up, but he refused to let them fall.

"Ianto, it's not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for."The Doctor said sternly, before looking to the vial he now held.

"You will drink it Doctor!" Sec bellowed.

"No Doctor, you can't! We don't even know what it is!" Rose yelled at the back of his head.

"She does have a point Doctor!" Gwen piped up "You can't"

"Don't Doc, I'll drink it" Jack started, walking to take the vial from the Doctor.

"No!" Sec boomed "The Doctor will be the one to drink! Otherwise the girl dies!"

The Doctor turned to face his friends. "I can't let them Rose. I have to." He said quietly, before quickly raising the vial to his lips and taking a mouthful. The second the stuff touched his lips he became rigid and still, the vial still raised, but the contents was spilling out onto the floor due to the fact that the Doctor's throat didn't seem to be functioning any more. The vial dropped from his nerveless fingers and shattered into a million tiny pieces on the concrete floor.

"Doctor?" Rose crept forward, expecting to be restrained by the Daleks, but they were staring at the Doctor's prone form. He didn't respond. She moved in front of him, looking straight into his eyes. "Doctor?" She repeated, poking him in the chest. It wasn't a very hard poke, she barely even touched him, yet that tiny motion was enough to push his limp body backwards and proceed to fall towards the floor. Jack caught him just in time, laying him on the floor. "What did you do to him!?" She shouted at the pepper pots, who were slowly moving in towards them.

"That solution was 100% coffinated coffee from the planet Cofi, located in the Coffffeeeiii Nebula. Ianto Jones is very good at making Earth coffee, so we made him make the coffinated coffee to increase its potency." Sec stated, still rolling towards the Doctor's head. "Now we can use the Doctor to build superior technology to rebuild the Dalek race and conquer the Universe"

"Then you'll have to get past us first!" Jack growled, moving with the others to stand between the Doctor and the Daleks, arms out wide, blocking the Doctor from the Dalek's view. "We're not going to let you take him!"

"You will stand aside, humans!" Sec ordered. When they failed to move, he almost seemed to sigh. "Very well." He raised his gun to point at the group. "EXTERMINA-!" Just before the Dalek finished its battle cry, it was suddenly stopped when something tall and thin dropped down from the ceiling and landed square on the pepper pots metal head! It then proceeded to slide down it's casing until it came to rest between the plunger and the gun, and wedged itself there.

"Doctor?!" Rose yelled out. Jack looked at the Time Lord, laughing insanely and yelling at the top of his voice. He looked at the place behind them where the Doctor wasn't. Then back at the alien who was somehow in the midst of all the danger, clinging to the front of a black pepper pot of doom, yet completely out of harms way at the same time. Sec spun round and round, trying to dislodge the limpet. The other Daleks couldn't do anything either, if they shot the Doctor, they could hurt their leader, and that could just have been a tiny flaw in their otherwise perfect plan. Sec continued to spin, faster and faster and faster.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" The Doctor's shouts of enjoyment were the only thing that could be heard in the pandemonium. Sec suddenly stopped spinning and rolled straight into a steel strut lying on the floor, hitting it with a bang. The force of the impact sent the Doctor sprawling into the shadows at the side of the room and the whole company heard the following crash of falling trash and the stream of curses coming out at twice the speed of light. Then silence.

While Caan kept an eyestalk on the humans, the other members of the Cult rolled over to incapacitate the Doctor. They all disappeared into the shadows, only to come back out again a few seconds later, with no Doctor in sight.

"The Time Lord has vanished! How can he have done so?" Sec was asking the others, eyestalk swivelling from one to the other in confusion.

"He should not have been able to disappear! It is impossible!" Thay said, sounding almost scared.

Rose was scared now. She couldn't see the Doctor anywhere. What if he had been hurt, what if he was stuck, what if............... She looked over her shoulder, into the shadows at the side of the room. She could just see a humanoid shape zipping through the darkness. She nudged Jack in the side and pointed silently and discreetly. Jack nodded but his face remained passive.

"The female's heart rate has increased!" The Dalek's rolled towards the group, who moved slightly to hide the Doctor's profile. "Where is the Doctor?"

"Sensors indicate the Time Lord is close. Unable to locate exact position of target. Suggest searching manually" Jast told their leader.

The Daleks rolled forwards again, forming a line and forcing the group into a corner.

"We will find the Doctor, and you will not stand in our way!" Sec almost growled at them. The Dalek's were so preoccupied with the humans; they didn't notice the Doctor coming out of the shadows just behind them. He had completely lost his mind, Rose concluded, as he began to do a very good impression of Michael Jackson and moonwalk across the floor, stopping as he reached the other side to start disco dancing. Rose couldn't keep a strait face any longer; she burst out laughing as the Doctor began to do the robot. Jack elbowed her in the ribs but she just couldn't stop, doubling over and howling with laughter.

"What is so amusing human?" Sec shouted at her, turning around. But there was nothing there. He turned around again, but the blonde haired female had vanished. "Where is she!?" The Dalek roared in anger. That was when the Doctor decided to stop giving Rose a piggy-back at 500 mph, drop her on her bum and start doing cartwheels around the edges of the room, somehow managing to stop between the humans and Daleks in a handstand, wave with one hand, and carry on cart wheeling, giggling all the while.

"EXTERMINATE!" Sec roared, firing at the Doctor. The other Daleks fired too, but they just couldn't hit him. It seemed that the Doctor had got bored of cart wheeling and proceeded to start bunny hopping over the Dalek's heads. As they were all standing in a line, it was quite easy for him to clear the whole line in less than three seconds, turn round and go back the other way. Just as he was about to clear Caan, who was second to last in the line, the doom machine moved and the Doctor ended up flat on his face on the cold hard floor. The Daleks had him surrounded, backing him up against the wall, all their guns pointing to his chest. Rose ran to the Time Lord, only to be grabbed from behind by Jack. She screamed in rage, jumping up and down, trying to get free, but Jack held her firm. Even though the Doctor was about to die, he didn't seem fazed at all. On the contrary, he was almost rolling on the floor laughing, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"What is so amusing Doctor?" Sec said, confused.

"He's high you idiots!" Jack yelled over Rose's anguished screams at being unable to be with the Time Lord.

"High? What terminology are you using human? What is meant by the term high?" Sec asked the immortal, without turning his eyestalk away from the Doctor.

"High as a kite! Oi, Doctor! Tell us what your ship's called!" He yelled.

"BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWUNGUMNIIILOOOPOKIPSCI!!!!!!!!!!!!" Was the confusing reply from the region of the floor.

"See!" Jack tried to reason with Sec.

"He sounds almost completely normal to me!" Rose giggled, though she didn't stop struggling with Jack's vice-like grip.

"Enough!" Sec aimed his blaster at the Doctor again, who was still rolling on the floor. "The Time Lord will die. If he will not aid us in our plans, then he will be exterminated!"

* * *

**I will eventually get this story done! I've been really busy writing the next story: "_Drumming the Spirit out of the Storm_". Sound good? Sorry for the really long wait, feel free to kill me, but then don't expect the next story to come any quicker. **

**Ok, so I lied, looks like this one will be about four chapters long after all. ;) And if you want to see about my other stories, you can visit my profile and take a look at my ideas!**

**Stay tuned for more Harry-ness! He will be in the next chapter more, I promise. The next one will be his big break! Squeakfil for ever!**

**Reviewers get bananas!**


	4. Cardiff x 27

**I'm really not happy with this chapter, but I just realised that: a) You probably don't care, b) I actually like the ending, c) I just FINISHED THIS STORY, and d)If I didn't finish it now, then I never would.**

**Just please don't die of shock when you realise that I did just update and FINISH this fic. Yes, you heard me: FINISHED!**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Dalek Sec was _not_ amused. And he wasn't about to become the nice guy.

"You will cease this action at once Time Lord! Or your friends will be exterminated!"

Rose stopped struggling in Jack's arms as she realised that they were completely surrounded. The rest of the Cult was all around them, and aiming their blasters at their targets.

"Uhhhh.. Doc? Little help would be greatly appreciated here right now!" Jack pleaded with the over excited Time Lord. The Doctor apparently took no notice, choosing instead to start singing an opera that none of them had ever heard of.

Jack cocked his head. It appeared that help was _not_ forthcoming.

"Thanks for all the help, Doctor." Rose growled, as Ianto held his head in his hands and Gwen rolled her eyes.

"So be it!" Sec rolled towards them. "The Doctor has made his choice, and you will give your lives because of his decision!"

"Blueberries!!!!" The Doctor cried, apparently at random, startling all who heard. All except one. The fur ball almost literally flew across the room, latching onto Sec's eyestalk.

"Harry?!" Rose gasped, watching as the small hamster clung onto the killing machine, the Sonic Screwdriver skittering across the floor towards the Doctor, although he didn't seem to be in the mood for picking it up.

The other Daleks of the Cult rolled backwards slightly, seeming confused at exactly what was attacking them.

The humans took their chance. They immediately bolted, all shooting off in different directions, getting out from their less favourable position.

Jack and Ianto spread out to the right, while Rose and Gwen split apart; Gwen moving over to the corners of the room to recover their lost weapons, while Rose rushed to be close to the Doctor.

He didn't appear to even notice her arriving, his eyes rolling madly in their sockets, an uncharacteristically insane laugh echoing around the bare walls, squirming on the floor, apparently with no control over himself.

"Doctor, can you hear me?" She pleaded with him. No response, other then another manic giggle at nothing in particular. "Look at me. Doctor come on, focus on me now." She took his face in her hands, trying to force him to look at her. It didn't achieve much, but at least now she could manoeuvre his spasm ridden frame to the shadows behind, out of sight of the miniature battle going on behind them.

Gwen raced over to her team, handing out their weapons. Turning on the Daleks, they began firing, bullets pelting into their strong armours. But the bullets didn't even leave a scratch. Not a good sign.

Dalek Sec was spinning round and round, but Harry clung on, desperate to defeat the evil pepper pots.

"Rose!" Jack cried, "Get the Doctor outta here! He can't handle this right now. We can!"

Rose nodded, turning back to the incapacitated Time Lord.

Who wasn't there.

Oh dear.

"Jack! He's gone!" But Jack didn't hear her. He was busy shooting at the other Dalek's eyestalks. Caan's was already broken, and now he rolled around like a lost puppy, screaming death threats and revenge. Jast's soon followed, as did Thay's, leaving only Sec's, which Harry was currently occupying.

The hamster squealed loudly, as a now blinded Caan blundered unseeing into Sec, the latter was shooting his laser at everything within reach, but try as he may, he couldn't get a shot at the humans. They had grabbed hold of a Cult member each and were riding them as they swivelled around and rolled in random directions.

Harry ran along Sec's casing, coming finally to rest upon the Dalek's blaster. He looked up at the eyestalk that was now facing him, squeaked, opened his mouth wide and bit down hard on the blaster. The metal broke with ease, splitting all the way down its length like a banana.

Harry jumped to the floor, scampering over to where the Doctor had been, but wasn't any longer, and disappearing into the shadows. Sec tried to shoot at the escaping fur ball, but the mutilated tube made a sound like a rapidly deflating balloon, sparked, and exploded.

Jack, Ianto and Gwen each got off their respective Daleks and ran to stand beside Rose, who was still searching the darkness for some sign of her Time Lord, without any luck.

"Where is he?" Ianto breathed, still firing at the Cult.

"I don't know!" She yelled back. No sooner had she answered, then the Doctor charged out of the darkness, Harry on his shoulder, and the Sonic Screwdriver out in front of him. When had he picked that up?

"Heheheheheheheeeeee!" The Doctor laughed as he ran towards the Cult, pressing the button on the screwdriver as the tip glowed a bright blue. Harry squeaked loudly as the Daleks all ground to a halt, groaning, their casing creaking. Eventually, they were all still. The Doctor jumped up and down on the spot, humming "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen. Harry was busy apparently making a nest in the Doctor's hair.

Rose crept forward, everyone else following her. She half ran over to the Doctor, even as Torchwood stalked over to inspect the Dalek's.

"Doctor?" He didn't reply, just stared at her and giggled. She eased the Sonic Screwdriver out of his hand.

"What have you done to us, Doctor?" Sec shouted.

"Oh Doc, you really are amazing!" Jack yelled in delight

"What? What's he done?" Gwen asked her leader.

"He just stiffened them all up! They can't move! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Becauseyou'-boy!"

"Doctor! You're still with us!" Rose gasped in delight

"Yeeeeesssssssssssss"

"Well, half with us anyway."

"We are stuck! We cannot move! All because of the Time Lord. "Sec growled. " We will retreat, for not, Doctor, but we will return, and we will be victorious!" With that, all four Dalek's were surrounded by a harsh white-orange light. When it faded, the Cult of Skaro was gone.

"Well. That's that then! We beat them again!" Ianto was very happy. Jack walked over to the Doctor, who was obviously finding it very hard to keep himself in check. Evidently the coffee was still going strong. He whispered something in the Doctor's ear. It seemed to perk the Doctor up anyhow.

"Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!" He reeled off, and shot out of the door, Harry-lees as the hamster had jumped into Jack's hand before the Time Lord bolted.

"What did you tell him?" Rose questioned him, as they made their way back to the SUV.

"I simply said we'd meet him back at the hub. I told him to take the long route." Jack broke off and started to snigger.

"Define 'long route'"

"He'll meet us at the Hub when he's gone round Cardiff a few times. To give him a chance to get that stuff out of his system."

"How many times?"

"27!"

* * *

When they got back to the Hub, the Doctor was waiting for them. But how he got on top of the water tower without attracting a crowd, they would never know.

It appeared that the concoction was not going to give up so easily, so as Ianto went off to go and make drinks, the rest of them locked the Doctor in one of the cells next to Janet until he was in his right mind again. They supplied him with a blanket, as he seemed intent on cuddling something. So intent, in fact, that he had almost squashed Rose to death before Jack had managed to prise him off her.

As the door shut, and the lock bleeped, the Doctor pressed his face up to the glass, palms beside his ears, smiling dumbly at them, though his eyes spoke of sadness at being left alone in the cells with a flesh eating Weevil next door.

But they did leave him. So he amused himself (and the others, through the CCTV) by producing a couple of suction pads from his pocket and climbing all over the walls and ceiling of his prison.

Eventually it seemed that he was free from the effects of the "poison" and collapsed onto the bunk, snoring softly. That was when Rose saw that it was safe to let him out.

As she reached his cell, he jumped off the bunk and ran to the glass, pressing himself against it and pleading with her.

"Rose please let me out! I'm so bored! Janet's good for talking too but the only thing she seems to want to talk about is what I might taste like! It doesn't make for good conversation." Rose simply stared at him. "Rose please! I'm actually begging you! I don't like coffee and it wasn't my fault! Please!" Seeing that this was getting him nowhere, he turned on the puppy eyed look. They both knew she couldn't resist that.

"Oh alright!" She sighed, pressing down on the button that would let him out. As soon as the door opened, the Doctor rushed out, and was up the stairs before she could even ask about how he was talking to Janet.

* * *

The Doctor burst into the room.

Then he promptly ran back out again.

The trap was sprung.

* * *

The Doctor crouched in the darkness, actually scared for his life. As quietly as he could, he reached a hand into his pocket, and pulled Harry out, placing the little creature in his palm.

"Harry" He whispered "I need someone to talk to! They're trying to kill me!" He looked out of the tiny spy hole he had made with the Sonic Screwdriver. The coast was clear, but that could mean anything.

Harry looked at him quizzically, large round black eyes searching for an answer.

"Harry, they're hunting Daddy. You've got to be very quiet otherwise Daddy'll be in a lot of trouble, OK?"

Harry looked at him for a moment, then he squeaked so loudly that the Doctor thought that the little hamster must've swallowed a fog horn.

"No, no, no, no, no!" The Doctor clamped a hand over the hamster's mouth. But it was too late.

The draw he was currently hiding in was wrenched open and artificial light flooded in, blinding him. He raised one arm to shield his eyes but it was held down beside him. Faces appeared in his sight.

Four of them.

"Hey Doc!" Jack beamed at him "Open wide!" He cooed, as the Doctor's mouth was held open, and the hot brown liquid poured in.

"You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you enjoyed doing this sort of thing to him, Jack Harkness." Rose pondered.

"What ever made you say that?" He asked mock innocence, as he unleashed the Doctor on an unsuspecting Cardiff city centre.

* * *

**Goodbye from this fic, and thanks for sticking with it to the end everybody!**

**I think it's only just sunk in. I think I've just realised that I don't have to write this anymore......................................... Wow.**

**As I always say: Reviewers get banana's! ;)**


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